Crikey!!! What an adventure Eugene and I had yesterday. We were off to buy Eugene a handphone in section 14 and here is how the story goes. I called my friend Andy to ask him about a trade in from N91 to K800i. He told me its possible to do it for RM1000. So i told Eugene but he couldn't make up his mind weather to sell or not. Well it is a N91 and its a present from his dad. So we went anyway to see if its possible.

    The cloud looks dark when we arrive there and it seems like a storm is heading our way. We just park our cars in the housing area and walk towards Digital Mall. Then when we spoke to Andy he told me he was looking for a headset for that phone because that thing itself worth RM200 and without that the phone is only RM800. Well obviously Eugene was thinking really hard weather to trade in for RM800. He needed to fork out RM 200 and he said that he needed to run to the ATM to get it. So we went and it started raining heavily but needless to say, we ran to the ATM with Eugene's small umbrella. We looked around and finally found one. He made his transaction and viola, he got the RM 200. The story didn't end here. When we went back there, Andy took out the new Sony Ericsson phone and guess what? Its a W810i. Whoah. I asked him "why did you take that one out?" He replied "you said you wanted this right?" then i said "noooo" i clearly remember saying K800i on the phone and he said we could trade off with it, no cash just the RM200. So he cursed a little and then he say ok. He went and took a K800i out and said the price is different now since its a better one but its not fair since its only a few weeks that my phone was RM1400 and his was only RM1150.

    Anyway he got the new phone and then we went and buy an ice cream and went for dinner. Along the way we spoke a lot about my life, well basically it started off with some heart broken news. That leads to going his Church and join his Real Youth. I was thinking about it and i might actually go this week. Oh he had a good point on my church leaders. We should not criticize others especially our leaders and even if we have problems, we need to solve it among oursleves, not spread it. Sometimes we let our emotions out too much and ruin everyone's life. We need to learn to seek God's will. If he had put us under someone's authority then we need to submit. Yes they may be a pain but we still need to submit since its God's will. Who are we to judge our master's servant since God had a different purpose for him. So let God deal with it. God will never allow us to have too much preassure. If there is a word that says we need to move out then obey and move on. Only God knows our true purpose. I can't say i know mine until today. LET GOD BE GOD.

    Something interesting that i found out yesterday. My friend ask me a question and it goes like this: You can have 10 roses, how many reds and whites do you want in that 10? i said 8 whites and 2 reds. He said that means i give 8 times and i receive 2 times. I do love giving in fact i would give anything but i have been giving and not receiving even that 2 times. I'm disappointed with the people i give and i know i have done that in the past to my family where i took and now im just trying to give back to them as much as i could.

    Giving is a very difficult thing to do and i admit that some part of me doesn't like giving. That would be something i need to work on. The secret in giving is simply this, Give without expecting anything. If we expect something and when it isn't met then we would feel disappointed and would think twice or thrice before giving the next time. To a certain group of people i won't mind giving but to another i find it hard to give. Hey we are human and we all have expectations. So do i when i give. Christmas is coming and i don't have enough money to buy presents for everyone again. This is so humiliating because others buy gifts for me but i have nothing for them. They must be thinking how cheap i am.

    This is one tiring week and im sure it will continue until the end of this month. For all YFers, i Pray that you guys will enjoy the coming youth camp. I know it will be fun.

    Booths are up, lights are bright and everything looks attractive. After the openning, people didn't pour in as expected but instead they come in like little streams of water you know like the one you see when you was your car. Im serious. I was expecting something like PC Fair but it turns out no. A little dissapointed but anyway it is my 1st experience in Education Fairs. Looking back 4 years ago i was one of the crowd but nothing there drew my attention then because i went without knowing what i was looking for. Now i learn how to approach people who are like the old me. It was a great experience because one thing for sure is that i learn to be thick skin when i approach people to promote our college.

    Put that all aside basically i am drainned. sat and sun working? Never done that before. Even if i have i didn't do it in the afternoon on Sunday since Sunday is one of my most tiring day after church. Something motivated me there to stand longer and work harder. No its not Holy i know. OK i saw this girl from Binary College and she was standing diagonal right from me and she had been standing since yesterday, same amount of time as me or maybe more since i left early yesterday. Anyway, i saw her standing with no problem and here i am struggling because my feet started to hurt (i think its my shoes because the sole is really thin) so i told myself there is no way i can lose to a girl right (haha not ego but just bored and thinking stupid things)?! This is embarassing so i stood until the end and acted as if im really OK but in fact im hoping the time would pass faster so we all could go back. yes when its time to go back i was relief and as i walk to the KTM statiion, i went in and found a seat. So i sat there for only 2 stations and when we reach KL Sentral the crowd started pouring in like waterfall. This lady with a baby was standing in front of me and of course being a good chap i stood up and gave her my seat. Then i stood in the crowd with a hurting feet all the way to Subang Jaya. Yes its still crowded in there even when i left the train. When i drove home from carrefour, i finally get to rest. Boy what a day.

    Our Phonics English got the best respond in the Fair Yay. hahah

    I dont dare declare this openly any more but i guess its not God honouring if i dont share it. So here goes...

    Prayer during our YF was GREAT. I was so drainned when i went in to church. As i look around i see the same thing going on and it was so dull. I dont feel like praying as i told myself. Well of course since Calvin is leaving and i am suppose to do something about our prayer Theme, so i take all i had and gave God my best. Somehow there was sufficient energy to continue praying in tounges for like the whole prayer. I dont know how but i know who did it. It was the Holy Spirit. I was filled with its Joy and Peace as i pray. I know that i do it not to impress others but to encourage others to pray with all their hearts.

    In fact i hate to pray in public. I can spend an hour praying by myself and things would just pop into my head but in public i need to watch what i pray for. Its really so annoying. I know im suppose to let out what the Holy Spirit had prompted me but well sometimes i do get carried away and wanted it done my way. So the prayer will always go furthur than it was suppose to be. Anyway today i prayed with all i have and i got to say that it is refreshing. Its praying with only God in mind.

What you heard is true. Love hurts.

It hurts to see the one you love fall for someone else.
It hurts when you do all you could but they doesn't appreciate it.
It hurts to see them having so much fun with anyone but you.
It hurts when you talk things out but they don't listen.
It hurts when we pay for their food and they just take it without gratitude.
It hurts when you try to approach them, turn and walk away.
You try to catch them but you ended up catching phantoms.

The love is only real when we learn to expect nothing from her. Isn't it obvious that when 2 person love each other they would want to shower each other with care, love, understanding, honesty, openess and stuff like that. So the next time you feel in love think about this and make sure you love with the right reasons or else you might just hurt someone recklessly. It is not a game folks. Love can be used as a powerful weapon, weather it is to kill, destroy, and build it is all up to you. Do you think you are up for it? The best way to really know what to do is to seek God. He has the best solutions to every problem we have. He is not quiet when we talk to him, it is us who are not still to listen to his gentle voice.

Eugene Thanks for your advices. i will try to get myself out of this quicksand. even though its difficult but i believe God had it all planned. i believe he have someone in mind for me even if its the same person i know she will be different.

In the boat. away from the bank. no sails. no ore. now his hands are laid on the boat. shall i give it up as well? yes i should. he wants me to walk to him. am i going to trust him that much? yes i do and i will focus my eyes on him as i walk with all my heart and soul towards him. no waves will stop me or slow me down. my mind will only have his image, peace, embrace at the end of this journey. how far will i have to walk? i dont know but all i know is that at the end of this journey i will be with my first love again.

Lord i surrender my thoughts, emotions, love and worries into your hands. i shall not ask for them from any one but you alone. i know yours is greater than any other. it is you alone whom understands how i feel even at these moments. Lord please forgive me and her for all we have done. purify her and let her be as pure Gold and precious silver. let her be an apple of your eye. take away every sorrow and pain. fill her with gladness and love. joy that last forever. let her be filled with purpose to live. i give my blessings for her and sacrifice myself to see her happy living for you. i surrender my life into your hands and i will not take it back. Amen

i don't what is joy, hapiness, peace anymore.im not allowed to express my negative side at all and even if i do, i will pay a high price for it. Who can i go to except for God alone? isnt he going to deliver me out from this? how? i dont want to lose her but yet its so painful to hold on to whats left. Will i die of heart attack at the age of 20s? if this continue on i think i might. its as if i gave up everything to live for one person. i feel like im trying to please her but that is not what i want. i want to be a friend not a slave. oh Lord i couldnt tell how much longer i can take this. i cant even let my tears be seen in college or else there would be a big Hu Ha. I will explode one day. i cant find comfort in these thoughts any more. i still love her madly as i have before even when i think of all the negative things about her. The reason is because i didnt take back my heart from her. i don't intend to until 4 years later. Every time i think about our 2 months i fell for her again. she is the only one i am not able to give up  or rise again when i fall. i felt all the feet trembling on my back with my face in the mud. am i ever going to feel how its like to be loved again? 

Im trying very hard to mend the left over of our relationship. Its difficult for me to even talk to her. i guess that is our problem from the very beginning. i thought we could talk things out. it just seems like a fantasy when we could click so easily. in truth we have only been talking about everything on the surface of our life and not the deeper more meaningful conversation. i for one am out of idea on how to approach her. it just seems like she get to get angry with me all the time and i can't. isnt it unfair. wait a minute, i need to sacrifice my joy so i need 2 suppress my anger in order to give her joy. i can't get angry and have my satisfaction because it would be selfish. i just hope things would not get so complicated. im trapped because of the first love i have. i need to die to myself again. live in the spirit. is this ever going to work?

Lord please deliver me out of this. I dont want this to continue this way. i wish we could have a more meaningful way of getting along. i hope in every circumstances we could still hang on with each other and know that i am there for her. amen

My situation had finally been cleared. I have no more doubts but only to trust n persevere. It is hard but at least now i know the truth behind this relationship. I can't express more than this since i can't disclose who or wat happen. I now hope to help my friend who was caught in this. It is tough but the both of us want to find a way to help her. It is really difficult to get a solution. Only God can help you now my friend. I can't offer my advice since she is avoiding me now. I feel as if this is like CSI haha. Well no wonder God wanted me to let go so much. Ok, i will. I shall put my trust in you to find me The Right Partnet. No more trial and error. This time i will dicern your spirit to find out your purpose and truth of what i am getting myself into. Thank you Lord.

A loss entailed by giving up or selling something at less than its value. Giving up would not be easy. There are lots of things to give up and i couldn't do it. One is my Ex. Two is my lust. I tried but i know i don't have the will power to do it. I couldn't ignore the love i have for both. It is too strong as it have been built within me little by little throught the years and even by the seconds. One i have given more than i have before. i Give but expect nothing in return but onli happiness. What i ask for is a heavy price to pay. There isn't any room for it now. For all happiness is temporal now. The thoughts that runs through my head have filled me with grieves and temptations. What should i do? Everytime i commit these sins, i have place Jesus on the cross. I have but one revelation from God. He said to me "LET GO". It is easier said than done. All these time i have been watering the wrong seed. The parasite had now grown into something i could not handle. Taking everything away from me. Because of this i disobeyed God so many times and try run away from people because i fear that all these would be exposed. How much love can i give? How far would i go to sacrifice for the one i love the most? I do not prove them to men but God. There is more than this as i live for God. This Blog will be a reminder to me as i go through this ordeal with Jesus. I will never forget this experience for i feel that it would take more than just a minute to finish this race. Giving up praises, happiness, joy, pleasure, comfort, self pity, selfish deeds, lust, and more. They are my worst sins. I would "kill" to have them. I would "die" to lose them. Now Jesus died for me and i killed him on the cross. He got out of his grave and came to my heart and dwell with me. He said "let them go and let me be God. I will guide you as long as you have faith in me. I will give you joy, peace, love, pleasure, happiness, and more than you can ever imagine. All the past you have only gain your self happiness, self love, self joy, and everything that have to do with self. Now there could be more than that where the people who receive happiness, joy and love is the people around you. I will refill you as you give. See the joy in giving and loving. For it is better to come from me and know that it is pure." I have seen how wrong my life can be. This is the better way out. It offers me the same thing that i want, only not the way i ought to have it. Sacrifice is the better way of life.